How To Bring Up Your Duran Baby

We all want our kids (or these days grandkids?) to grow up right – and as Duranies we have a special responsibility to ensure their growth and musical development is not impaired. So Cherry Lipstick has prepared a special track-their-age chart to help you mark every birthday with a home tattoo and lead your loved one in their life journey.

Let us begin…

Pre-birth: Some play Mozart, some whale music – we play Duran’s debut album to the foetus to help them emerge to world with the sound of wholesome music ringing in their ears.

Age 1: “Give me the child til he is 7 and I will show you the man.” Helpfully this was not actually said by some crazed religious medieval Jesuit – actually it was Aristotle, so that makes it OK. In this instance we lock in the indoctrination by playing Rio on a loop for 24/7/365. That should do it.

Age 2: Time for Seven and the Ragged Tiger to have Shadows On Your Side at mid-morning nap, Cracks in the Pavement to accompany bathtime, and Seventh Stranger as a lullaby.

Age 3: By now you may be seeking support with your parenting via an ADHD diagnosis. If you have an obstreperous paediatrician, play your child the cocaine fuelled Arena just before any appointment.

Age 4: If they’re still not toilet trained by now – Pop Trash. If they are – All You Need Is Now.

Age 4: They grow up so fast – so best get them ready for the inevitable goodbyes at the school gate with Notorious so they realise no good thing last forever. It’s the kindest way.

Age 5: Big Thing Side 1 should help you and them keep awake for breakfast and the school run.

Age 6: They still believe in Father Christmas, so tell them if they are good and eat their greens, Reportage is coming later this year.

Age 7: Their first attempts at independence by requesting to walk to school on their own. They don’t get far before running back home asking to be taken in the car. Offer reassurance by playing them Feelings Are Good (And Other Lies).

Age 8: Nothing interesting happens this year, it’s all a waste of space. Drag the time out even further by listening to Paper Gods.

Age 9: Sometimes they are wise beyond their years, other times they continue to have ‘accidents’. Awkward. The Wedding Album.

Age 10: If they are a lover - Big Thing Side 2. If they are a fighter – Power Station.

Age 11: Off to secondary / high school so they think they are grown up. Set up Medazzaland on their playlist.

Age 13: They think they are in love. Bless. Time for Astronaut.

Age 14: By now they hate you so get them back by shoving Liberty and Thank You down their ungrateful throat.

Age 15: They’ve painted their bedroom black to the sounds of Danse Macabre.

Age 16: First broken heart. B-sides.

Age 17: To accompany their adolescent poetry and pretence at understanding Kierkegaard, chuck on TV Mania for a year.

Age 18: Neither a child nor an adult, even though their passport says they are. Red Carpet Massacre.

Age 19: As they stretch out into the world they can look back on happy times and celebrate their new independent life. Diamond In The Mind.

Age 20: Some well-earned maturity and contentment beckons. They’ve even had the sense to finally get rid of loads of useless friends and have kept the sensible ones. Future Past.

Age 21: Congratulations. You and they made it through together in one piece. Time to celebrate – you are the Greatest.